Feeling in control of life?

Being in control can provide certainty and feel good, it can also be an illusion.

Feelings of control in day to day life can be part of a healthy or unhealthy mindset, knowing which is about understanding impact. The box below represents your own entire world. The center circle represents the amount of your world that you can control. The outer circle represents those things in your life that you are not in control of, but you can have some influence on.  Everything outside the circles represents the things in your life you cannot control or have influence on.

We all have different mindsets about how much we can and cannot influence or control. Some consider control as giving safety and security with the higher levels of control being associated with a higher level of safety in the same way as certainty does. Others believe that having little control is a simple reality of life and do not give energy to trying to control the uncontrollable.

As an individual you can put energy into controlling your own world and choose your own attitude to the things you cannot control; ignore them, fight them, accept them, become ambivalent or something else.

In a relationship what you can influence becomes an important part of your dynamic. This is where you negotiate as a couple what is important to yourself and to the other and what you can change in response to any concerns. We tend to rasie concerns with our friends, partners and family members when we perceive their behaviour impacts us. This is when the concern may be expressed, the desire to influence is felt and the negotiation takes place.

A simple example is letting someone know you arrived safely or are running late. It is not in your control for your partner to do this but you can influence their behaviour by negotiating the practice. This is such a common “need” that there are apps and devices to track family members and a debate to go with it as to whether this is a controlling invasion of privacy and freedom or, a helpful reassuring tool. A healthy relationship accepts the autonomy of each in the negotiation and if the other does not agree to your request, then you are aware that you are in control of how you formulate your response.